The Best Thing I Ever Did Was Living When All I Wanted Was To Die.

There was a time when I was lost, broken, bruised, my soul was torn, ripped apart and shaky. All I wanted to disappear or die. When people see me today, they are like – no, that can’t be you. You are full of life and are an amazing person. But yes, it was me, who just wanted to die, who wanted not to see the next rising Sun or next setting Sun. All I wanted and wished was a painless death, as there was so much pain in life. Life could have been like this – so ugly, so rough, so painful. Every night, I used to wish not to see the sun again. But how fateful I was that my wish never been heard.

There came a light in my darkest hour, when I was sinking,  lost myself completely and up-to my surprise I heard   -” I LOVE YOU. I died for you, I want you to live for me. I have paid your wages. This place and these situations does not belongs to you. Hold my hand, I will take you to the places and peace. You are my child. You belong to me. Come lets stand up and move from here coz you belong to me.”

I looked at myself, how unfaithful I was with my parents, my siblings and with God even. And here my eternal father is still saying that he loves me. I had tears in my eyes, not of pain but of acceptance. No matter what I have done but he still loves me. I asked him – “where to go?” and he said – “home, That’s the place you belong to.” I stood, hold his hand, and came home. To my surprise, no one asked me any single question why I did this or that. They all accepted me with open arms, helped me to stand once again with my head held straight. Today I am not the same girl as people think of me, I am a free bird and don’t sit anywhere, I have a home. Yes, I go out in search of food but at the dawn I return to my home, to my people. How blessed I m to have a home.

Today, all I want is to live, for the Daddy who gave his life for me, for my parents, family and friends.
I don’t consider that phase as a bad phase. It was just a phase where I learned the value of life, of family, of food, of money but nothing is above the love, the love of God.

I have a great family, good friends and money in pocket. I don’t have everything I want but I have things I need.

So yes,

The best thing I did till date is to live when all I wanted is to die.

Survivor


It’s been a while to write anything. Tried to make up my mind multiple times to do so but I wasn’t sure about what to write and my mind was so blank at times that I felt like I was just passing the time here on Earth and one day it all will end. Thank God! I am back on track. I am again ready to handle the world with love, sarcasm, wit, kindness, emotions and apathy.
I am dedicating this post to any person who has gone through abuse – verbal, physical, emotional and mental and I will be trying to do complete justice according to my own limited knowledge and mind.
Yes, I know its a long story. It happened days, weeks, months, years or may be decades ago. And I also know that you are still not 100% over it. You are still trying to breath freely, still scared and gasping for air. Things still haunts you. You still find solace in empty, lonely places. You still avoid parties, gathering or crowded sites. According to people who know your story it’s a long and old story and you should be habitual and over from what happened but you are not. You still connect things.
But it’s OK. Trust me, it’s Ok.
I must say it’s perfectly ok. Let people say and think whatever they want to. Your life was a mess because of somebody else. You and only you know how you came out of that, how you survived, what path you have traveled and how many sleepless nights u have seen. Lets not explain anything to them because they don’t deserve or earned it and won’t even understand.
The trauma which you are going through is personal and it should not be validated by anyone. I know you are still fighting a battle daily in your mind with the person who is no more in contact. And you may have to fight till the last day. Verbal, Emotional, Physical and Mental abuses have residual effects and they just don’t fade away. They just don’t.
I know you were victimized, that was not a fair fight, you did not ask for it and yes, you lost it too. But trust me, there is no shame in losing such fights. Now look, you have reached at the stage of a Survivor and you are no longer a slave of victim status. You have all the control of your life. Lead it the way you want. Eat, drink, play and do whatever you like without giving a second thought. Let others decide. Don’t give a damn to anyone. Whenever you feel like things are haunting you, don’t run away – it’s not the solution, turn and look back, look back in the eyes of terror and tell the past you don’t live there anymore and it has no control over you. You are a new creation with an astonishing self confidence and new learnings plus you are a survivor and know well how to deal with any mess. You know what doesn’t kill, makes stronger.
Look forward with hope rather than despair. Start helping others to grow more. The abuser doesn’t stand a chance when victim decides to survive. You gave the power to someone to break you. You are still the person in control. Snatch that power back as they misused it against you. No one owes the power to break you. You and only you have got that power. In order to fly You need to shed all the weight which you are carrying in your heart and in your mind. Now you are not weak, you are not a loser. You are a Hero because you are changing the world by saying no to abuse and abuser.
You may never forget but you need not to constantly remember -You were a victim.

                                                                               YOU ARE A SURVIVOR

                                                                                                 &

                                                                                A MIGHTY WARRIOR

I am proud of you.